Last night I got a text, and It said "Call me, we need to talk".

Now normally that would have worried me, but last night he had played jokes on me like he said "I did something bad, something I promised I would NEVER do"........"I cheated on you"....then a few seconds later "hahahahahaha Just kidding, I love you baby, I would NEVER do that to you"....lol it was funny, but after he pulled it a few times it started worrying me.

I have a difficult time losing people, so whenever him and I talk about death I get upset. So after he pulled that joke a few times I started getting upset. Well, when he sent that text I thought it was going to be another joke, but boy was I wrong.
I called him, and he was quiet, and I said "Baby, whats wrong? What's going on?" and I started getting worried.
He told me he would text me and to not text him until I get his text.

His text said: (not exactly)
"I feel like I am using you as a time killer, and a spot filler so I don't have to feel alone. You deserve much better than me. I guess what I am saying is that I still want to be friends, and we can talk to each other about ANYTHING. As I am typing this my heart is breaking. But remember I will ALWAYS be here for you no matter what."

I couldn't reply.........I couldn't believe it. I just started bawling. I wanted to argue it with him but I couldn't. I just kept crying. I was so upset I started Hyper-Ventilating, I couldn't breathe. I honestly wanted to die, right then and there. If I can't have him, I can't have anyone. I don't want anyone other than him.

Yes, I do still love him, we were together for nearly 4 months. And I was planning on losing my innocence to him when he came to see me this summer. He was going to be my first kiss, the first guy I hold hands with, my first. .......I miss him even though we are texting right now, but it isn't the same. He won't tell me he loves me, but I tell him I love him. I have to say "I love you" to him, because If I don't it hurts even more.

I am heart broken.

*hugs*